The Olympics

So I’m thinking about becoming an Olympian, but since Michelle Kwan is over-the-hill in her mid-twenties, I’m going to have to alter Plan A just slightly and look for a non-figure skating event. Being a girl from Oklahoma, I don’t have a lot of ice and snow experience, but that’s okay. This way, I figure, I’ll be able to keep an open mind.

But I won’t do anything where you have to go really, really high in the air like ski jumping, or really, really fast like downhill skiing (although hanging out with Bode Miller might make this one worth trying.)

After watching The Flying Tomato take home gold Sunday night, I thought I might try my hand at snowboarding. People could call me The Stationary Cabbage. Plus, snowboarders wear those big bulky outfits (much better than the skin-tight ensembles so prevalent in the speed events.)

According to the commentators, the really good snowboarders “throw it down”. Now, I’m not sure what “it” is, but I can throw pretty well—especially down—since then gravity does most of the work. But then I realized that I have no idea what an inverted front-side 540 is except that it sounds painful.

That’s when I turned my attention to the moguls because mogulists too are bulkily attired, but then I noticed that before the athletes go they flash up a box with their name, their country, and…their weight! So long golden dreams.

Now, where is the Olympic hot chocolate drinking competition? I could totally medal in that! I could be the first to attempt the triple marshmallow in competition. How about Olympic fire lounging? I have several friends who would do a relay with me on that one.

Maybe if I start petitioning the International Olympic Committee now, one of these very worthy winter activities will make it to Vancouver in 2010. Just in case, I’d better keep training, but don’t worry, I’ll work my way up to the triple marshmallow.